In losing so many personal relationships
that once meant so much to me
in such a compressed time
so too did I lose
those parts of joy
they brought to me
like the sacred taking a vacuum
to my life
devouring me
Of course I was angry
about it happening
as it was happening
and I let my anger fuel me
even as death surrounded me
but my anger too was sacred
and it mapped out for me
intuitively
all I was meant to see
and it wasn’t just anger
driving me
And where I was operating from out of
made everything innocent
sorry not sorry
I should have just sat quiet
but then again I should’ve been
left alone too
from the onset
if I’m being most honest
Neither was this my first awakening
it was just differently
so the ungentleness and injustices
about it
well,
that was new to me
in this one short life
it was
and they were more stark
because of this
the gaping differences
like the depths of Hells Canyon
between
I thank the ancestors poetry is my therapy. It’s become nothing more for me. But in that, it’s also been everything and everything I ever needed to survive whatever it is that is happening. And is that not how it’s so long been? To be reduced to see the beauty in that long arch continuity wholeheartedly is a price nearly worth it already. To know it in every fiber and sinew that makes me a soul in this inherited body. One of the better parts is, it only built upon the layers of presence I was already developing.
I almost walked away from social media and moving forward with my own work in any online ways for good. Which after what I’ve interpreted to’ve experienced would mean sharing outwardly at all for me. Social media being any online ecosystem where humans share and exchange and create. It took me years longer than most, even those far older than me, to get into it anyways. I’d always had some instinctual hesitancy about it like some sixth sense foresight in ways that could never be foreseen. Until the abuses began, I wasn’t too present on any platform anyways.
It’s crazy how abuse can wake up your warrior spirit in ways you can get sucked into to try to find your own power (grounding) in it to stop it from happening, at least to you personally. That’s what happened to me essentially. And this is the force for good for awakening?
Nevertheless, after the last few years, I almost walked away from social media for good as of recently. I’m somewhat torn about it still. And in that I know I am not alone. I may always be moving forward. Who am I to know? I am very much in little to no alignment with it, which has to be confessed includes my relationship with it, even as I am already in motion to alter so much about that. We each alone have to find our own why’s. And for me that means feeling into all the depths of why I would choose to stay now. I’m interiorly working on that in more ways than will ever be expressible to anyone outside myself. And not because I can’t.
Through an internally intimate process of consideration for all the right reasons I would have exited humanity in those ways, I also found all the right reasons why I shouldn’t. I more than many have reasons more than many to do such a thing. I’ve seen the insides from only outside of what the humanity project collective do and have done with it from all corners and peoples of the world. Just as it’s not all bad, it is beyond imagine also far from all good or embodying of honesty. Not just in blind spot ways, but explicitly also in elemental ways. My story isn’t the only one that upholds truth in that collective shadow. Yet my story matters to me because it is mine for me.
Wickedness in goodness too exists. Could all the lightworkers or helpers handle that internal of an integration? Could all the devotees for God, Allah, Yahweh, or Oneness, handle it the same? Could all the haters handle seeing the light in all things? These are more things I think about these days. Mostly alone in discussion with nobody. Balance in cosmic scales of being.
Having said that, it is a new evolution from a new Mississippi too. A human fragmenting and holism one. With full potential to hear perspectives from vastly more, at its best. Like it or not, like all ancestors before us, these are the tickets we signed up for before we ever landed in this realm.
Maybe I missed the memo, but signing up for outward expressions online didn’t come with a preface of any and all scopes of access, did it? But social media itself, it’s the new town square, and often the only one where broad discourse of the peoples themselves is unfolding. Story by story, sharing and exchanging in witnessing and dreams too. So of course gatekeeping by bullying is pervasive. Pick a side, near all partake in it. Thus though, the spiritual war too is able to more vividly be seen as prevalent. I never in my wildest dreams could’ve imagined I’d come to see the things I’ve seen.
It broke my heart initially. Still tries to on my worse days. That good humans and once very much-loved ones would resort to such things. To relationally relate outwardly from such fear based and insecure orienting positionings. And I can say that in full awareness of also holding my own truth in that projection in that I too have immense fear and insecurities about relating outwardly at all now because of having experienced the ecology of it as it is. You’re God damn right I do. And I’m in the right to. And in seeing that, I had to learn to unbreak it all on my own. My own heart. There isn’t a friend in the world I would call on right now if I needed someone.
Though in contrast, I saw into how our hearts can never really be broken unless we let them be lastingly. Heartbreak is something we move through. Cyclically in lives if we are living more fully. My four-legged dying was so heavy weighing for me. If we love our hearts will break. And for more reasons than I care to convey, I had to unbreak my own heart in solitude and silence ultimately. Inside and unseen. In a human connection sense, and humanity witnessing one. Though I would never deny acknowledging love and gratitude for stranger seeds planted by those like dandelions on winds who truly helped me intentionally or in error energetically from heart wavelengths and synchronicity outside of all human controls to trial by trial overcome it. The magnitude of it too. One part of what I’ve been up against in valuing why I would stay. Gratitude circles those, from me then, who mirror all the ways our hearts are our strongest muscles.
There are so many lies to sort out, untangle, and release if you will. I know those trenches well. Like black holes I was projected into. A whole year can fly by and immense damage can be done. I am so sorry for those who experienced or experience it similarly. Know that so many around know it never had to be that way. Maybe everyone wide open in it does. That’s on them, and never us. Know that many know that even abuse educators are sometimes some of the more abusive because of their incapability (unwillingness) for being honest about their very same access.
I made it to my own metaphorical other side seeing that those that do not give up, who have or do, will come to integrate living testimonies within for how sovereignty in personal autonomy, and qualifying beauty on one’s own terms as a beholder, is more important than ever before. Not beauty in a whitewashed sense, all light and bright and only room for good feelings and approved positive messaging, but for me, there’s a beauty in holding all of it in processing. I couldn’t not anyways. Beauty in the mess and chaos to have had to survive it.
There are more tears sharing and opening my eyes and ears and heart around all herein has brought me than smiles. Though not because of some guilt or ignorance or lack of broader empathies about how the world has been. Additionally, it’s so freeing to know that it is also not even close to all being my fault. Where smiles happen deeply within for me now from my external witnessing, however, knowing how the collective itself is responsible for manipulations and dishonesty in consciousness at these scales, those smiles mean more than a baker’s dozen, a hundred, or even a thousand ever could.
We are all creators. We are each artists of our own lives. For those who too have to integrate the unspeakable in a darkened entangled way, me already having said far too much, from having been selected to experience it, and experience it as an abuse specifically, I see you. I may or may not see you directly, but I see you on the tapestry where ill feelings have no grounding over you. I feel your hearts. Those that don’t stop short along the way. I hope to witness in time your harmony with you finding your way to live on in participating in joy. It might even be you who most needs to. Maybe you’ve already done so.
Like any whose fingers have ever traced along suicidal ideation thought tides within, I hope you find balance with the darkness of it. To let go of it as the abuse that it is and know you can matter. To get your relationship interiorly with it right, no matter what others say. To stay or not to stay is ever on the minds of so many, isn’t it?
I hope you find the space in your heart center to authentically send those return to sender letters across the universe even if simply energetically. Not from a place of vengeance. Like so many heartfully operate out of, or the things that happen simply wouldn’t. But from a place of grounded loving. If you’re a survivor and your existence in your own spaces makes others uncomfortable, it’s likely more because you’re either triggering (mirroring) shadows for them or they know what they’ve done or are doing to you, or are trying to.
Move forward for you, as I am moving to do. Maybe we are all only speaking to ourselves anyways. Therefore the journey of any too matters. Even those who choose in preference and conscious intention to seek to hurt us.
We all deserve to feel our heart’s higher capacities. It’s why there’s nothing more poisonous than censorship or thought police. Safe spaces really can only be assured within, and it must be where they always begin. And if your internal world is safe, less and less gets to you. There is no need for control, only acceptance of what is and a willingness to listen or walk away.
One of my favorite things about myself now is my proven to myself across time devotion to growing my own heart in ways that can’t be controlled. That my relationship with the universe sorts it out for me. Every time. Not just since these social staging awakenings. The universe has always been there for me. For over a decade now, trusting my own heart navigating social grassroots engagement realms where something has near always felt a little bit off in every corner, has led me to fall under no master’s thumb. I can look in the mirror with full grace knowing I escaped every trap sent to annihilate me. That anything was ever sent my way at all is grounds for unbound and limitless grace. But spiritually, it too makes sense. That anything was.
I am not mystified at all anymore as to why I rarely feel like I fit in much of anywhere. Except in nature or being a faceless face walking through life, so to say I don’t fit in is not entirely honest either. I walk without mask, naked in spirit and free. It’s easy to do when no one sees you. And if that’s all that this life has for me, it is more than enough for me. My heart and soul truly can grow in any conditions because it always comes from within and how within is in relation with the unknown itself. I hope you too feel that degree of connection for yourself.
