I’m neurodivergent. I’d be lying if I tried to hide this. I’m not certain I could pinpoint wherein in any specificity with authority, I’m certainly not qualified, nor have I any attachments to understanding its certainties, but I am somewhere in spectrums of such differing’s. As are many. Though I’d ask, are any really not, or have any never not been?
When I was a little girl, I was somewhat dyslexic. I still am in small moments. I stuttered not uncommonly, and it surfaces in rare moments still. Seemingly out of nowhere. I am certainly challenged in ADHD frequencies. Standing before any group of humans confidently makes me want to puke oftentimes. Depression has been a feature in my life. Though not always. Not for long stretches too. So too, however, when it sinks in, I have very felt ups and downs. Trusting’s and not trusting myself perhaps. Perhaps I am manic.
Though I do think self-reflection to more trying degrees is relevant when resonance and frequencies and outcomes suggest closer examinations to humbling degrees, falling apart is sometimes easier for someone of my constitution than to risk blindly lying to myself would be. What if the falling is the unseen lie though? Sometimes I feel crazy. Sometimes I maybe am. Yet I’m not really sure what that means either. Not after what I’ve seen.
Truthfully, I can relate in small ways with many neurodivergence fields of challenges. In my own unspeakable ways, I hear things I’m fairly certain others maybe don’t. Maybe we all do in our own ways. Does that alone make one crazy? Is there room where our boundaries as notions for stigmatizing neurodiverging are what’s overtly off-kilter? What would normalcy be anyways? Would I want to be in the cultural constraints for said normalcy? And then for what means? How can we really be certain we want to be?
It can get scary at times
What is alchemy for one, may be hell for another. The trajectory of processing. Hell being some life shatteringly devastating plain of existence for enduring what one must live through that resonates as mostly untrue with one’s own inner listening, experiences, and resonance fields. Like those with neurodivergency being more likely to be abused, are those more empathic more at risk for being pushed into said trenches than are those less divergent from the collective normalcy?
I might be in more troubled waters within my own struggles than many. But maybe I’m not, or I wasn’t at least. How is it all related? Maybe I’m becoming more open about it.
I could blame it on my childhood. Blame it on my intergenerational inheritances and lived experiences, but what good does blame do for anything traumatic in actually resolving it. Sure superficially, but not so much deeply. Real healing is when blame falls away into non-relevancy. To move beyond it, from having moved through it. Overcoming my childhood did teach me this with great clarity. Many times over. I could say that individually and as a daughter of the European branch of humanity.
Why do I feel sometimes like it’s so easy to see mirrors in everything we’re meant to?
There is always more than one way to look at near anything, just as there are always more than two sides the same. I used to hate my mind, and then I learned to love it. Now, I simply accept it for what it is. It’s sort of like this.
Never giving up and staying strong
I’m more than okay being neurodivergent. I know I’m overusing the term herein preemptively, but I don’t have other language in this language at this time. Nor is that my path to need to in many ways. And sometimes I think language is part of the problem too. All that is lost when humans aren’t face to face.
I’m okay with being sensitively tuned to differences in umwelt experiencing’s. It’s actually some part of what makes the world so beautiful to me. Far beyond the human experience.
In learning from my learning from nature, these days I am holding space for cherishing my own struggles with neurodivergency for whatever that means. To know intimately we are not all the same in our umwelt experiencing’s and there’s nothing wrong with this. It’s part of the beauty of the mess of it. And to not feel fearful in this. Just as within neurodivergency itself, there are such varied sensory experiencing’s. Though there are billions and billions of us humans, aren’t there?
Anyone who has experienced it knows, or witnessed another who has closely, when the air from relational crazy making begins to clear, it still has to be sorted through. The aftermaths of it. The crazy uncomfortable bits of it. Threads remain for a good while for some. Some may always from it in scar forms, and transmutations of them for the more fortunate. How the smallest things can have meant so much in aiding our workings through it though. We aren’t meant to live in this world alone.
Fortunately in many ways, I know how to comb through my own madness and bring peace back through within. I want to walk a path of my own. My whole life has near been lived that way. Madness for me stems in thinking I could do otherwise. Truth is only true within if one finds their own way to relate in a way that resonates as truthful. No amount of adversity can alter this in the inner depths. But it is the same for the outer, isn’t it?
One part of the great challenge for participating individuatedly in dancing, if you will, metaphorically in life, is that if one is doing honest work, one cannot help but too have to navigate dancing in some way with the presence of shadow work. The self, yes. The easier bits hopefully. But more in opportunity for doing so alongside the whole. The shadows of the whole, that everyone’s working out their own bits amidst. All across society we see this. Shadow is not something any humans are immune of. Struggles are what build different kinds of depths in us.
From my lens, humanity is and has been building depths I’m not so certain the present living generation will truly come to see to appreciate in this living lifetime. Not in any larger sense.
Having said that, I don’t want to live in a world without holism integration. And I don’t want to live in a world where the world is just one nation. I want to live in a world where such things are celebration. And celebration in relation to each other. An innate human relational need and freedom.
I’ve realized we can be defined, not by the things we do or must do or confront to get through, but by the things we love. The how’s and why’s and what’s we love. And it’s really all beautiful if you see it through the eyes of love.
There’s literally nothing any could present to me that would result in me not loving Europe just as I do. All it is. Europe in a spirit sense. All scales of it. Inside and outside of time. I have no shame nor guilt for this. Nor about expressing this. I think we are born to love as we love. To love courageously in whatever that means to us. In a long arch sense, I don’t think our hearts mislead us. Through even tragedy, life has taught me there is richness worth holding space for within in how deeply I love and loving all the things that I love. What if I love how deeply in the ways that I love with better clarity because of the tragedies I’ve endured?
I’ve listened most intimately to the stories of many from all directions as they’ve perceived it, from their inherited experiences, and it makes me love Europe in its wholeness no less. Though maybe it once well challenged it, like my mind too once did in grappling with loving myself, so maybe I just danced briefly with it. Now though, more actually, in light of all I have been gifted to see to love about it. Because of all the ways it remains unseen. All that must be lovingly held amidst depths pushed out into madness by way of wholeness contradictions. To hold so much that matters so much in near all silence. There’s a beauty to it, no doubt. To just hold it in, or hold it quietly, quietly as one can. But what if we didn’t have to settle for that? What if it shouldn’t be necessary?
In an era of so much talk of consciousness and expansion, how could loving the spirit of Europe too, openly, not be a part of it? And not just for Europe’s sake or benefit. Is it not a deeper seeded wound in so many humans from all directions reaching for controlling and misunderstanding it, including from within for Europe? Is it not a wound that far exceeds the intergenerational continuity than most foresee? And it’s not just Europe. It’s all of it. Messy and complicated.
So it’s also no wonder it remains mostly unseen in the shadowy collective, beheld in silence like it’s so long been. Or is that just all it is? Talk of consciousness.
